Cigarettes and Sorrow "The Divorce One"

Released May 2021

Oh boy, strap in kids, this is where things get a little dark…

So as I mentioned my last album “Hooper” came out near the end of 2020 and although we were all still in pandemic mode, the response and the sound I felt was the best stuff since the first release I did with Darrell, only this time it was 100% me.

It seemed like now with the right equipment and space I was finally getting the hang of it. Only thing that sucked was the fact that:

a) there was really no way to perform live at least for the foreseeable future and

b) this was another “solo album” where my focus should be on The Critically Ashamed. It was weird I was essentially competing with myself, but I needed to get this out during the lock down to keep my sanity.

what I mean about “my sanity” was things at home were not going so well

During the pandemic, although I was still staying strong on my sobriety and working my program as they say, mentally I was (as I feel a lot of people were experiencing during this time) falling into a deep depression of sorts.

My marriage of around 16 years at this point, was not going well and it hadn’t been for quite a long time. When you are busy working, being a parent, playing music out, you can get out of your head for a bit and redirect focus, but when you are locked up in a house with a woman who you loved so much in the beginning, but now you didn’t even want to talk or look at anymore due to a lot of different factors over the years, it really started to take it’s toll on me mentally.

I would find myself through most of 202o locked in my bedroom alone, not leaving the bed where I was literally eating in there, watching shows on my IPad just checked out. Sure I could escape down the basement and record/work on my music for awhile and my job actually opened back up in only 3 months so I was back to working in my office space so I could get out, but at the same time I could remember pulling into the driveway at the house and just sitting for a minute dreading walking back in the house to God knows what state. I adored my daughters and loved spending the time with them of course, but it was the lady of the house where I think she would admit we both checked out.

Now if you reallllly dig into “Hooper” and the songs on there, sure there were songs about recent sobriety (My Bottom), Pandemic (Bloodshot Skies) but there were other songs where if you listen to the lyrics, a lot of them were about a “cure for a broken mind” “sweet mistake”, you get the idea. You could see that there was a yearn for love, a cure for a messed up mind, that sort of thing.

So It got to a point where Let’s just say, my eyes and mind went elsewhere. I’m not proud of it, but to be completely honest, I also wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t looking for “true love” at all, but I found myself there with another person and didn’t know what I was going to do about it.

Well, by the end of 2020, after two releases of songs about love and turmoil, by the end of the year, the “cat was out of the bag” I was essentially “caught” and was immediately kicked out of my home literally that night.

Literally 2 weeks before Christmas she made me sit the kids down, tell them we were splitting up and had to kiss my girls who were in tears as I packed and was tossed out. To this day, it still makes me sick to my stomach thinking about that night.

In the end, I tried, I really tried for the sake of the kids because they were my everything but I couldn’t hide from it anymore. So I drove back to Mahopac, in hysterics back to my mother’s home where I was able to move in to the apartment downstairs that used to be my grandmother’s old place and try to rebuild from there. In the end, I got what I wanted Manal and I were able to be together without sneaking around feeling guilty but I thought “at what cost?”

So now I’m separated, 2 weeks from Christmas spending it away from my kids dealing with that guilt, living in an apartment below from my mother and I thought “well at least she is here with me” but come January? She is off to Florida and I am left to my own devices here….truly alone with my thoughts.

I had Manal, she was wonderful and understanding and was the first relationship I was ever in where I felt “wanted and not needed” but at the same time, the two women that meant the most to me, didn’t even want to see me at the time, so there was definitely that sadness and guilt and a wave of emotions.

I will admit, there were many times in that Winter I got home, pulled in the garage, shut the door and thought “maybe I’ll just sit here, leave the car running, go to sleep and it will be all over” It got that bad.

So, I could of been even more selfish and end it, go back to poisoning myself with alcohol and end it slower feeling sorry for myself, or do the smart thing, which was channel these feelings into my music.

Now as you know by now I always have “a few in the chamber” song idea wise, but I literally wrote, recorded, and released this album in less than 6 months.

The anger, depression, guilt, sadness, mixed with the joy of finding true love all came pouring out of me, It was like I was performing an exorcism on myself.

I was here alone recording and singing into the mic without having to worry about who would hear or “hey be quiet I can hear you down there!” which I would get in the past.

There were songs where I would record the vocals, hit stop and start bawling. One song “Girls” to this day, I STILL can’t listen to it It brings back too much sadness.

However, looking and listening back I always say now It’s a toss up between this and “Hooper” as my all time favorite release as a whole. you can hear the piss and vinegar in each track, sonically it was on par with Hooper and the songs are powerful as fuck IMHO.

Once again, your boy couldn’t wait for his Critically Ashamed band mates for this one. It had to be done and purged and I’m super glad I did.